EIGHTEEN
Origin: Written when I was eighteen years old and discovering my own identity. A personal collection of eighteen poems that centers spirituality, trauma, and coming to terms with oneself.
Artist's Statement: I used to pray compulsively as a child. I wasn’t raised in a religious home. Neither of my parents prayed outwardly, and we never attended any services. Yet I still prayed compulsively. Maybe as an early symptom of mental illness, maybe a simple childish desperation for control. I suppose there is no other power that a child has. God was my best imaginary friend.
I am still not religious. I prayed as a child the way one would write a letter to Santa Claus. I liked to think I had the ability to manifest something if I asked for it enough. However, religion has always been a point of interest for me.
I wanted numerology to take form as a theme in the chapbook’s structure, but not necessarily the poems themselves. Referencing one of my favorite songs, “Monkey Gone to Heaven” by Pixies, I divided the chapbook into three parts, titled “IF MAN IS FIVE…” “…THEN THE DEVIL IS SIX…” and “…AND GOD IS SEVEN.” My purpose for this is to divide the Christianity in my chapbook from the Judaism. More identity-centric personal poems are written under “IF MAN IS FIVE.” Poems pertaining to Christianity, naturally, are listed under “THEN THE DEVIL IS SIX”, as the devil is only a prominent figure in Christianity. The devil also exists as a good symbol for the complex and often oppressive and colonialist history of Western Christianity. My last chapter exists as a reconciliation between both cultures, the speaker’s ultimate relationship with God.
These titles of my sections also connect to the title. Five and six and seven make eighteen, but aside from this more concrete reading of this title, 18 is the ultimate lucky number in Judaism. Jews make donations in multiples of 18 for good luck and prosperity toward the receiver. The number “18” in Hebrew is made with two letters, Yud, or 10, and 8, or Het. Het-Yud spells the word “chai”, meaning “life.” I can think of no better title for a collection about identity and religion.